Mist

In the sweet way that goes from the dream to reality, she opened her eyes and whispered: "Please, let him stay". A golden light hurt her pupils and made her iris looked more deeply green. She was lost in those nice seconds of mist before completely wake up and get concious of the reality that surrounded her. She moved in the bed and felt warm and secure, the kind of comfort that one feels when knows that has won the battle to the cold of night. And immediately, she thought of him and smiled. But this didn't last much, she remembered he's told her he had something to tell her, and concern caught her heart, ending her morning happiness. She had to meet him... where the sea touches the land.

She didn't want to get out of the bed and face the cold, she closed her eyes and stayed in bed for some minutes. After all, she wasn't sure wether she wanted to get up or not. But finally, she withdrew the blanket and the cold stroke. She approahces the window and looked through. The sea was calm, the sun shone, drawing figures in the water. The beach was deserted. It was a beautiful picture. And the sound of the waves... where the sea touches the land.

She took some fruit as quickly breakfast and got dressed with a simple long, beach white dress. Then she contemplated her mirror. Darkness shining on her chest. Pale face, green eyes, or maybe sea eyes, with those black circles always below them, Long hair, tired brown with golden streaks, like the light which had lit her eyes. It was rought and tangled. She tried to brush it and decorate it with shells and corals she has taken... where the sea touches the land.

She went out of the hut, to the shining sun outside and walked down to the seashore. The stones scratched her bare feet, and so did the frozen water. She was surrounded by the smell of the sea, its salty kisses and its sound, which got into the last corners of her heart. Her eyes got lost in the infinity of ocean, the eternity. She loved the sea, wish she could take a boat and got lost there forever, passing the nights contemplating the way the moon shone over it, its depth, its notalgia, its sadness. She usually passes hours looking at the feelings which the sea woke up inside of her, like if she would have lost something irrecoverable, something only the sea could bring back to her, but she didn't know what it was. She stayed like that for a while... where the sea touches the land.

She looked at her left and there, in the distance, he was standing, waiting for her. She walked towards him, the waves wetting her feet, the wind tousling her hair, waving her dress which let guess her figure. She carries the darkness in her chest, knew he had to leave. As approaching him, she felt the soft vulnerability that comes in the tenderness. When she got by his side, his gaze was lost in the ocean, like hers only some minutes ago. The wind stirred his hair. Then, he looked at her:

- I don't love you now.

- I know.

She wanted to tell him the truth, so came closer to him and held him slowly. Then rested her head in his shoulder and whispered in his ear:

-I've been lonely for so long and been hurt so deeply. I walked alone this beach during many years, looking at the sea and wondering when I would met someone who accompany me. And now that I've found you, you have to leave... Don't do it, please, I love you. But I know you won't listen to me, so if you could only make one last thing for me... I just want a kiss, the last kiss.

He looked into her eyes, while her heart was breaking. And then he kissed her... where the sea touches the land.

She was lying on the sand. Her tears mixed with the salty water. She retained some sand in her hand and then let it go through her fingers. Many years had gone by since he had taken the boat and got lost in the horizon. Nobody else had visited her in that time. She stretched her arm and drew the shape of a heart. The waves erased it. Some day someone will find her and take her away from that place... where the sea touches the land. Where the dream touches reality.

The last kiss was so long ago, she doesn't remember it anymore. It got lost in the mist.

Becoming a new self

She liked driving at night. More exactly, she thought she would like driving at night, because she's never tried. The speed, the dark, the lights of the other cars, the music filling the silence...

Her father were driving them home. Both of them were quiet, they didn't talk. Actually, she rarely talked to her father about important things. Some other person would think that then they didn't know each other very well just examining their relationship, but it wasn't true at all. They didn't need to talk because both of them were the same way, they could understand each other and words weren't necesary.

The radio was tuned to a rock station. They were approaching the village.
A new song started to sound. Maybe it was 'Speed of light'. She turned up the volume and looked away through the window, letting her go inside her mind, getting lost in her thoughts and soon be drowning in the current of her thinking.
The moon was up in the sky. Venus was at its right, shining. She always got blue when she looked to the sky at night, felt a kind of longing because she couldn't stop time and keep that instant forever.
She rested her head in the car seat and then her thoughts flew away with him, wherever he was, and her heart ached.
-Are you falling asleep?- asked her father.
-No- she answered, bothered by the interruption.
- Then, what are you thinking about?
-Nothing- she lied and moved in her seat.
She has completely lost the curse of her thoughts and didn't feel like starting again. The moment was over.

As they entered the village by the principal street, she felt a strange sensation of irreality. The town was decorated with all the Christmas lights and stuff, in the same way it was for the summer celebrations. And it seems to her time hadn't passed since then. Or that time had passed so quickly, because in a moment a lot of memories of the summer came to her mind, as vivid as if they would have been engraving in her mind yesterday.

Before leaving town to start her new life, she had thought sadly that, when she came back, she wouldn't be the same person who left. The places and people there will remain the same, but not herself. And it seemed to her that in that moment, by watching the Christmas lights, she's just realized that it's happened. She wasn't the same person anymore. She's become a new self.
Autumn was the season when things happened, was a season for change, and during that autumn, a lot of things has made a difference for her forever. During some time, she thought she was waking up to life, she felt comfortable with her life for just the first time, future seemed nice and she got great expectations in what had to come. The obnoxious sensation that she was wasting her life, the emptiness and the loneliness had almost dissappeared. If someone would have asked her, she would have answered that she was happy, a little happy, but enough. Life smiled at her. She had tried to forget the past during that time, to pretend that it had never existed, to erase all those memories quickly and hold on to her brand new hopes. But now she wasn't that sure, in a few weeks all had turned into dust in her hands. Now she was sad like never. And the past, with its misery, still remains. Now it seems that days had passed but her life had stayed on hold. Now she couldn't close her eyes to her past.
What had changed inside of her? And when? She didn't know. But she didn't feel like herself, she was a new person. She had just left behind all of her fantasies and ideas about the world and go out into it. Had left behind that person forever. For a while she had been the owner of her own life. Simply, she wasn't a child anymore, she was an adult person, with adult problems. A part of herself that still loved the child, closed her eyes to this fact, but couldn't help that something inside of her would died in that moment, with a little pain. And that was all, a little pain and you've said goodbye to many chapters of your story.
That night, when she was in bed, she cried for her old self, the life she's left behind, for her broken hopes, for the future that was uncertain, for the cold she felt not in her body, but in her soul, for him and for her.

"I enjoy being with you"

Many years had passed by since the last time she felt that way. The last weeks without him had been terrible, and she experimented a brutal longing that came directly from the core of her soul, mixed with a sharp pain. She wanted him back at any cost, but was afraid. 

What did she wanted from him? Definitely, she appreciated his friendship, but wanted more. She wanted him to stay by her side forever, to tell her that he loved her because of the way she was, that she was special in his world and in his life, a future together... She closed her eyes and dreamed away with all of those sweet words.

The biggest of her fears, the darkest one, feed during many years of isolation and loneliness, was that people would laugh at her feelings. But the little happiness that during years she had built carefully was stumbling, hanging in a wire, as she realizes the poor faith she had in herself was fading away quickly. After some days of deep thinking and gathering enough courage, she took an irrevocable decision: she had to tell him about the way she felt. Any other thing would be unbearble.

So after a day of being with him, talking and laughing, when they were leaving the building, as always, in the cold, dark autumn night, when they got to the point where their ways followed different directions, she spoke her heart out because, for once in her life, she hasn't prepared at all her words.

- You and me, we could be ok again, don't you think? I don't know... I miss you - she said this almost without thinking and all relaxed. It was like if she was in the edge that separates dreams from reality. She has nothing left to lose and looked down, waiting.

His face may looked confused for a second. Then he stopped, looked at her and in his face was drawn the smile he used when he didn't know how to say 'No', which occurs usually. Then said:

- I enjoy being with you.

She looked up to find his eyes and they were lit by the flame that beat inside of her heart and smiled widely.

-So do I... - and then, ducking her head and looking away, she whispers, with the strengh she had left - But I miss you, I don't know...

When her eyes looked up again, she found he wasn't by her side yet. Instead of that, he has surrounded her and was about to leave. He was about to abandon her there without even saying 'Goodbye', there, in the cold, in the darkness, with the snow falling around her, with her head ducked and an apocalipsys inside her heart. "He's just laughed at your...". Blocked thought. It could not be possible. At least, she waited for a word of encouragement, of consolation, he saying 'I'm sorry' or  'I wish I could love you like you love me'... anything. But not running away from her like that, like if she and her love were wortheless. For a second she felt humiliated. That apparent indiference hurt like a million needles stabbing into her body. She couldn't let him go without saying anything, so she held up her head again and asked him:

-Do you leave?

-Yes.

-Well, see you tomorrow.

-Bye.

And he crossed the street and got lost in the distance. She stayed for a while and said to herself:

-You are a perfect and pathetic idiot.

Then started to walk up to her place. Her mind was empty, there wasn't any thought inside. For some minutes, her mental activity reduced to some basic funtions. The only things she could feel were those coming from the outside, like the cold, the darkness, her red nose, the brown leaves that crunched as she stepped on them and how, in a misterious way, her brain was capable of order her legs to coordinate and walk. Then, the rythme of her breathe started to speed up as pain began to spread to all parts of her body, with her heart as core. It wasn't a pain that she had experimented before, it wasn't lacerating and violent, but serene, like the inevitable, like the moment when someone realizes there's no hope left anymore, there's no scape, there's not a meaning in life no more. And, as nothing can be done, there's no need of a violent pain. But this one was worst than every other pain she had ever felt, was made of darkness, was black and cold like a winter night, was quite like the eternity of universe, it was lonely like having a glass of whiskey and reading a Murakami at four o'clock in the morning during a sleepless nights, like contemplating the stars in a deep summer night with no one by your side. And was breaking her soul. She didn't have enough tears to cry out the depth of her sorrow, but felt them crowding her eyes. She wouldn't let them out yet, she didn't wanted to, but one scape and drew a furrow on her cheek. When she got to her home, she found she didn't feel like going inside, she wanted to feel the cold, wasn't sure why. So she kept on walking, really, really slowly, without any direction.

"I enjoy being with you"

Those hard words crowded her mind. They sound like a death warrant. She couldn't believe that with those five words, all was over. Everytime she thought about them, a new stab was made to her heart. Once she had walked those streets hand in hand with him, and now it didn't exist anymore. Only a bunch of unbearble memories were all she had left.

When she felt 'better' (in the case that was possible), came back to her home. There, in the fridge, there was a box of chocolates that she had planned to give him and had been left there for all those weeks, just in the case he would had come back. "You're a stupid". She took it away and ate the chocolates while she listened to her dark songs and read a letter where she had written for him, about her feelings. He will never ever read that letter. Never.

A culture of seven-year-olds

Some time ago I wrote here that the things people post in social networks "are just poor attends to reaffirm themselves and feed their ego by showing off". Today I've run into this comic that illustrates it greatly:

The worst problem of modern man is the loss of identity in a world that constantly confused the things we really want with others that we're made to want.

I still loving you

Time, it needs time

To win back your love again
I will be there, I will be there
Love, only love
Can bring back your love someday
I will be there, I will be there

I'll fight, babe, I'll fight
To win back your love again
I will be there, I will be there
Love, only love
Can break down the wall someday
I will be there, I will be there

If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Your pride has built a wall, so strong
That I can't get through
Is there really no chance
To start once again
I'm loving you

Try, baby try
To trust in my love again
I will be there, I will be there
Love, our love
Just shouldn't be thrown away
I will be there, I will be there

If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Your pride has built a wall, so strong
That I can't get through
Is there really no chance
To start once again

If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Yes, I've hurt your pride, and I know
What you've been through
You should give me a chance
This can't be the end
I'm still loving you
I'm still loving you, I need your love
I'm still loving you



I still loving you from Love at first sting (1984) by Scorpions

Lithium

Now I understand why you wouldn't look into my eyes. Now I know you weren't true, you kept dangerous things hidden. I know the reason of your lovely laugh and your sudden blue. I know why you never thought about me and my feelings. You were too busy trying to figure out yours first. Why didn't you trust me? Why didn't you tell me about it before? I fear I hurt you when I never meant to. I feel betrayed. Once you told me you loved me, and now there's nothing left of that. Did you lie to me? And I don't know if it's just another one of your crisis or for once you're telling me the truth. The worst is that I still loving you. I can love you over all those things you've hidden to me. Maybe you fear I would run away from you? I know you've felt alone for a long time, so have I. And I cannot get used to the idea that you're going away from me forever. I need you, don't you see? My love is true, I can go on with this after all. You can trust me, you're important to me. I've never had met someone as amazing as you before. I don't need to pretend that I'm person I'm not. With you sometimes I still alone, but without you I can't be. And I would leave everything to go back to the start and make things right this time. But I know I can't. It's all lost. And my heart is dying.
All the feelings you took away are coming home again. Darkness surrounds me, getting stronger. All my old ghosts are here to start the haunting again. Apathy and bitterness quickly find their place again. And the devastating feeling of being completely alone, with no one who understands... I don't know how to find a way to carry on with this. I just want to sleep and dream of us.

About Orwell, Google and Big Brothers

A while ago I've entered Google Play in the mobile phone to check out the new apps and install some updates. When I was looking for something interesting, between the contents offered, there were some of those personal recommendations sections. And I find scaring that, actually, they fit exactly my interests. I'm not comfortable with the idea that Google knows me better than real people who know me. So I've started to think...
Internet companies which asks the users to give some personal data in order to be able to use their services don't give the user freedom to choose. They offer a unilateral contract, you take it or you can't use their service. It's the same that a work contract in a company: you accept their conditions or you'll starve. But you're not given the opportunity to negociate, to impose your own conditions. Is this freedom? I think the answer is pretty clear: no.
So, today nobody can live without a mobile phone or without an email account. All users must accept the Internet companies conditions and share personal data with them. Most of people do it without think about it, they don't realize the risks behind it.
But if they visited the Google adds section of their profiles, maybe they'd get a bit worry. There, based in the sites you've visited and other data collected about you, Google tells you your age, your gender and a top-ten of your interests. And how do they used all this information? Today, to show you ads of products which you may be interested in... but tomorrow?
Another social phenomenom that I don't like much are social networks. Apart from the fact that most of the things that people publish there (with notable exceptions) are just poor attends to reaffirm themselves and feed their ego by showing off, there everyone can have a look through a window to someone else's life, everyone can watch everyone and know where he's been and what he likes or does. Apart from that, data collected in social networks and other Internet services can be used to make marketing researches, social engineering or data mining over population servers.
Apart from all that, a lot of Internet companies let some countries security agencies to acces the information they have about their users and even read the messages they send. And, although security is something necessary, it seems to me that we're changing privacity for security. And since privacity is the ability to choose what we want to hide or share about ourselves, it's an expression of freedom. So we're changing freedom for security. And what is this? It's a characteristic of a totalitarian system. Of course, by 'totalitarian' I'm not just referring to a dictatorship, for example. A system can be totalitarist in other ways just when it cuts individuals freedom or their ability to develope theirselves in the way they desire. Or they have a great control over individuals.
A big part of planet population data in hands of a few companies, unilateral contracts, people constantly watching and be watched by others, personal comunications being analyzed, security cameras everywhere, where everything is registered... makes a person always wonder wether he's being watched or not, what he has left of his privacity. This reminds me a lot about Orwell's 1989. But here Google has turned into the Big Brother and one wonders when will be the day when we'll be watched at our own home, just in the case someone 'comits a crime'.